How to Ride a Bus

My double life between Boston and New York has taught me many things about riding a bus successfully... dominantly... strategically. The 4.25-hour trip sounds tremendously long because it is, so I have a few tricks to optimize my chances of a double-front-seater trip. First, I signed up for Bolt Bus rewards, which ensures me Class A boarding status. If the Bolt Bus ticket collector has any sense of order, hierarchy, and justice... he will announce Class A to board first. Recently, a ticket collector announced Class A but then allowed a bunch of lowly Bs and Cs to board anyway, I had to push a C-er into a planter to quickly get my bags in the trunk so I can call dibs on my special seat. Which one is the special seat? and why is it so special? You may ask. Well, the best seats are the ones in the front.

The front seats are great! The benefits are (1) the panoramic view of the freeway! (2) no one reclines on you! (3)  the privilege to get off the bus first when the driver stops at the Burger King (or Roy Rogers, or Arby's)! and (4) extra leg room! However, being Class A does not always guarantee front seating because there may be many other Class A-ers rivaling for the special seats. Now, yes, there are FOUR front seats, but if either pair has an occupant, it is inappropriate to double up before all the other pairs on the bus have single occupants--by this rule, I have to be one of the first Class A-ers to board or one of the first Class C-ers. To increase my chances of reserving one of the four front seats, I shove when it is time to board. I have been told to "chill out", but what does a bus driver know about being on a bus for an extended period of time?

Think all the effort is over after I get one of the four front seats? Guess again. Now, it is time for me to protect the adjacent seat. Yes, I want TWO front seats for maximum comfort. To discourage people from sitting next to me, I put my backpack on the seat and take out all the books and folders, spreading everything all over the place everywhere. Then, I scowl to look dangerous.

Often, this does not work well. I tend to attract young Asian females who take one look at me and think, "oh, we have the Asian-connection, so it must be safe to sit next to her!" Sometimes they hover over me for a second, hoping I will look up and acknowledge them. I don't. Despite my busy demeanor, they dare to interrupt me with stupid questions like: "is anyone sitting here?" No, but my all my school books, notes, syllabi, and other things that appear like important business are; "do you mind if I sit here?" Yes, jerk; and the classic apology followed by an ellipse as they move toward the seat, "sorry..." Awful.

Think taking a bus is simple? You are wrong. It is full of strategic mind games and physical aggression. I am winning.