Dear Josh, I am leaving you for a gentleman who creates aliens and deformed babies for a living

My Dearest Josh...
I am leaving you for Takeshi Yamada because he is a great artist and you are an astrologer. He makes molds of alien heads and models of deformed babies from his own skin and hair, and has stuffed a rabbit with a mermaid tail. He also teaches painting in Chelsea. You cheat at scrabble. He wears a suit and mardi gras beads everyday and everywhere. He lives in Coney Island, which is like the St. Barts of New York. He is charming and 26 years my senior. We are adorable together:

Anyways, it has been fun. We've had good times--like last weekend when we went to Target and took a gypsy cab back home. I hope you understand why I am picking Takeshi over you.